When workers came across artifacts dating back as early as 2007 CE the sounds of jackhammers and other heavy machinery came to an abrupt halt for the first time since construction began.
“We were digging under the foundation to repair the plumbing system when the light caught something in the dirt,” construction worker Rick DiMagio told reporters. “At first I thought someone had dropped their iPhone, but then I realized it was a first generation, a true ancient artifact.”
University staff was quick to intervene, hoping to minimize the damage to priceless historical and cultural knowledge. Several prominent researchers have flown to UC Santa Barbara from across the globe to examine what experts consider the largest known burial site of its kind.
“Many of these items are incredibly well preserved despite their age,” Dr. Eugene Summers, head of the White Studies department at Harvard University said. “The team managed to uncover some petrified kale leaves, a yoga mat, and a copy of The Breakfast Club. Unfortunately, we may never truly understand how or why these people used the items.”
Further investigation into the site revealed a large burial chamber with two rooms and several furniture items covered in plastic. The walls of the main room were reported to depict Chinese symbols loosely translated to “love,” “truth” and what was captioned “perseverance” but later revealed to mean “orange peel” by native Chinese speakers. The inner chamber has clear indications of being raided at an earlier time; experts often refer to these events as “Black Fridays.”
“The history of these people can be appalling to hear about, but we must tell their story to learn from them. These savages practiced brutal rituals and we understand very little about them,” said Mary Reese, an unpaid intern under Dr. Summers.
There is no recent research to suggest that this civilization evolved. Studies point to mainstream media such as E! Network and MTV to indicate any correlations between this ancient civilization and modern society.
“It seems like every day we come across new and exciting things to learn from these civilizations. It’s rewarding to know that the media is finally paying attention to their history,” professor and Caucasiologist George Carol said. “We believe they may have revered cats much like the ancient Egyptians, as shown by these headbands used in ceremonial events.”
Carol holds what appears to be a detached set of feline ears.
Chancellor Yang informed reporters that the construction plans are changed to appropriately address this monumental discovery at UCSB.
“We have altered the plans to use each of the eight floors of the tower to house replicas of the artifacts found here,” the Chancellor said. “Students may continue to use the University Center or find other facilities for study space, like park benches and picnic tables.”
The tomb will soon be cleaned out and replaced with a Starbucks and two Subways. The artifacts themselves will inhabit the space of the now irrelevant Native American exhibit in the United States’ largest Natural History Museum.