Everyone’s favorite Santa Barbara strip club and cabaret has opened a new branch in the little Danish community of Solvang, attracting visitors from across the state seeking a sniff of Ophelia’s flowers, if you get our drift. Gaucho Marks’ intrepid reporters and sex-industry insiders compiled a list of the first Yelp! reviews for the new gentlemen’s joint to help you decide whether to be, or not to be, at this fine establishment.

Mike R.            1 Star               10/28/13

Goleta, CA

These girls look worse than the horse and buggy parked outside. I was hoping for some quality Danish ass bouncin’ up on me, or at least some sort of milkmaid fetish thing, but these girls were so frigid you were lucky to get a group folk dance. There were lulls in between dancers, during which goats came on stage and munched on the excess hay. If you are looking for some sweet strudel-crotch, I’d look elsewhere because the Spearmint Rhino in Solvang is a real heifer farm.

P.S. Not sure if the manure smell was the dancers or their ride home.

Derek W.          4 Stars             10/31/13

Paso Robles, CA

Let me tell ya, I am NO ROOKIE to strip clubs, and I was pleasantly surprised by the Solvang branch. The girls in traditional, colorful apron-garb still showed off plenty of thigh and titty. I was lucky enough to go on “Hans Christian Andersen” night, so there were several ladies doing the Little Mermaid special: 20% off on all dances from women wearing (uncannily life-like) tail fins.

Elliot B.            3 Stars              11/3/13

Santa Maria, CA

I’ll start off by saying that writing a review for a strip club isn’t something I would normally do. In truth, going to a strip club isn’t either, but divorce does funny things to a guy. I found myself a little existentially lost amidst the shaking bottoms, lantern light, and soft clog footsteps, but then Aganis came and gave me a complimentary lap dance that raised my spirits, among other things.

Andrew H.       3 Stars              11/7/13

Los Angeles, CA

Not the sexiest butter cookies, but they’ll do. Ask for the windmill special.

Michael P.       4 Stars              11/8/13

Carpentaria, CA 

The women are lackluster, but the breakfast buffet is out of this world! Every variety of pork, fresh rye bread, sausage soaked in Carlbserg Beer, some decent poached fish if you’re into that, traditional and extremely succulent meatballs are also an option. Turns out the Danes basically invented the sandwich, so enjoy the Netherland’s finest both at the buffet and in the private dance rooms.

Alex M.            5 Stars              11/12/13

Thousand Oaks, CA

I attend a university close to Solvang—won’t say which one—but you can bet it’s not Westmont. A couple of buddies and I felt like hitting the slots, but it was 3 in the morning and Chumash was too far. Instead, we decided to blow our financial aid at the new Spearmint Rhino in Solvang. Butter churning butterfaces abound at this place, but that made Helga shine all the more radiantly. This fraulein’s private dance was so good I had to hold onto her thick Dutch braids to keep up. But the price was steep: all I can say is thank god for student loans.