UCSB Internet circles and online forums have recently been plastered with links to a new student run website known as Bitchfork.com, which takes the taste-driven pretense of music blogs such as Pitchfork and applies them to the university’s co-eds. Below is a sample article that calculates the precise human worth of second year Theater major, Clara McKenzie.
At first glance, Clara McKenzie risks being overlooked, especially when set against the impressive display of UCSB’s typical sun-tanned, made-up females. With delicate brown curls and a pale complexion, Clara’s features are, for the most part, unremarkable. Her wardrobe, a vital component, consists of girlhood articles that double as inadvertent hipster staples: flowing skirts, floral sweaters, pastel colors, and the ubiquitous leggings. Her laughter is a contrived, melodious giggle that makes one queasy at its saccharine-filled release.
Clara is of that particular brand of girls that can somehow garner (relatively) substantial attention from both genders, for reasons unbeknownst to those of a more refined mindset. Admittedly, Clara does have a sweet allure, but that fact is made overwhelmingly insignificant by her utter lack of personality, specifically in regards to any vestige of knowledge on popular culture or matters of high taste. Needless to say, painstakingly-made references to an early Radiohead album or a Woody Allen movie will fly right over her slightly-tilted, magenta headband-clad head.
You may get the understandable impression that Clara is representative of something we have all experienced at one point or another—the dreaded “settling.” And you would be correct. Clara’s whimsicality borders on the scale of Asperger’s, and it is difficult to resist the urge to spew caustic retorts in the general vicinity of her titillating presence. Giving off the pretense of an (obviously self-aware) coyness with every downward-cast glance, Clara seems to be at odds with her own plainness, engaged in a perennial struggle to make up for what she is otherwise lacking.
After spending an evening or two with her, however, what at first comes across as a cute quirkiness will gradually wear on you, and you—whether you choose to admit this to yourself or not—too will begin to find her endearing. Sure, she’s no Rooney Mara or Mena Suvari . In fact, she may not even be a Zooey Deschanel. But maybe that’s for the better. For on a campus like this, there are plenty of Zooeys to go around. The important thing to remember with Clara is that she is the epitome of amiability and unassuming cuteness, requiring virtually no effort or nuanced analysis on your part. Her glitter nail polish, half-smiles, and doting tendencies may be just the pick-me-up you need to get you through another week of drunken debauchery amidst the colorful expanses of Isla Vista.
Check out Clara on campus sometime and you’ll see what I mean. She can usually be found by the theater building Mondays through Thursdays, and while seemingly pedestrian, she may just surprise you.