Increase in Adderall Use Buys Christmas Present for Drug Dealer’s Little Brother

After his expected quarterly rise in profit due to an increase in campus-wide Adderall use, drug dealer and fifth year Nathan Ellison could finally afford to buy a Christmas present for his six year old brother. The present, a Captain America action figure, was reportedly too expensive for Ellison until students flocked to him during dead and finals week, desperate for his psychostimulant product. “I sold about 300 pills at ten bucks a pop in just two days,” said Ellison, who also moved large amounts of Xanax and Vallium to raise funds for the present, “and it wasn’t long before I walked into Toys R Us, dropped a wad of bills into the cashier’s hand, and brought that toy home to wrap it.” Added Ellison, “I can’t wait to see the look on his face when he opens that bad boy up. I want to tell him about how hard I worked to get it.” Ellison will reportedly pay for his mother’s Christmas present, a diamond necklace from Van Cleef and Arpels, with the profits from his side business of selling stolen Iphones.

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