Hello, I’m Dunslow Wellis, the author of “Living is Good if You Live Good With Jesus”, and I have a message for all satanists. You must stop being a satanist. Do not be a satanist anymore.

If you continue to be a satanist, you’ll drive your car and hit a house, or a movie theater playing The Star Wars, or perhaps even another car.

This can not continue. Men and children have the right to see The Star Wars without gross satanists crashing their stinky cars into our precious American movie theaters.

Every day, I wake up, and I am greeted by a world filled with satanists gambling, crashing cars, and dripping their gross satanist juices everywhere. This is a world that is headed for destruction, or worse, socialism.

If you google Satanist, you’ll see images of satan. This is not a coincidence. Satan is the god satanists worship, and he is an evil god who loves making cars crash. The real god, the true god, loves cars, as they help stimulate the economy of America, god’s favorite country.

When you drive a car, you can’t have sex, but when you crash a car, you can have sex. That’s why crashing a car is satanist.

So, I want all of you satanists to go home and throw away all your D and D games, because D and D stands for “Death And Death”. You must also cleanse yourself of all satanic metal music and only listen to good Christian music, like The Beach Boys, The Bee Gees, and The Beetles. Remember, if the guitar is distorted, it’s satanic. 

You must stop being a satanist for you, your family, and for all those precious The Star Wars-watching Americans.