Seaworld Promises New Measures to Prevent Dolphin Rape

SeaworldTo our faithful costumers,

As you may or may not be aware, we took quite the fall with our last lawsuit. This letter is to inform you all that despite our current reputation, we at SeaWorld will not let a few hurtful words stop us from putting forth our greatest efforts to give each and every one of you the experience of a lifetime when you attend Sea World.

Sure, the death of our beloved trainer in 1991 was heartbreaking for all of us…as was the death in 1999…and the one in 2010. But after each failure, we come back stronger. We have learned. So, for the safety of our trainers and for the sake of our lovely customers, we have closed down our Orca whale exhibit and all of the pain that came with it. We have instead opened a more interactive and people friendly exhibit to replace the hell hole that once stood in our park. After months of preparing and several long nights with our dedicated lawyers, I present to you our latest addition to the SeaWorld experience: Dancing with Dolphins.

The exhibit is expected to open up this summer. Through many training sessions and practice runs, we have calculated an expected 90% success rate. THIS WILL BE BIG. It will be proof that SeaWorld is not a one trick pony and that we will not let a few minor falls ruin a strong organization.

Still, I write to you all with a warning as well. You have to break a few eggs to make an omelet, and though our Dancing with Dolphins exhibit may be our greatest idea yet, our practice runs have helped us conclude one minor setback.

The Occupational Safety and Health Administration (OSHA) has required us to warn all of you of any risks that may come into play at the Dancing with Dolphins exhibit:

As fall comes upon us, you may notice that our dolphins will get a little bit aggressive. This is because our dolphins mate in the fall. We advise all individuals to come into the exhibit with bathing suits covering a minimum of six inches around the genital area. Dolphins are very majestic creatures with a very strong sex drive. Dolphin rape is a reality that we must work to prevent, so we ask that you do not taunt them with your nudity. Luckily, there are a few signs to keep an eye out for in the event that you or a friend accidentally seduces one of our mammalian friends:

  1. The dolphin may isolate you from all of its other play mates
  2. The dolphin may engage in sensual eye contact with you
  3. The dolphin may nibble or playfully poke at your pubic area
  4. The dolphin may begin to rub its vulva against your body, or trick you into stroking its penis or vaginal slit

We ask that you use the buddy system, and if any of these issues arise, please contact a staff member immediately.

Again, the risks are minimal, and we hope that you are not discouraged. If all necessary precautions are taken, Dancing with Dolphins will indeed be the experience of a lifetime.

Sincerely,

Your Friends at SeaWorld

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