After years of intrepid reporting and hard hitting, relevant journalism, reports of telephone hacking and dubious business deals have tarred the heretofore impeccable record of the UCSB publication known as ‘The Flush’.
The Flush, formerly a bastion of media integrity, has long been the number one source of essential residence hall news since its first issue in 1948, when it was merely a dormitory newsletter that one could read whilst sitting on the toilet. Though it has grown considerably since that time, implications of wire-tapping, money laundering, and administrative bribery have surrounded the publication in what is being called “the scandal of the century”.
“It was such a shock to me,” said second year Miranda Keller of Manzanita Village, who would not have known the location of last month’s Atheist Awareness meeting without the thoroughly researched news updates of the Flush’s front page. “How am I supposed to trust their advice on studying for midterms when this kind of thing is happening behind closed doors?”
The controversy deepened when transcripts of Flush office phone calls revealed a Ponzi scheme orchestrated by Daniel Albie, author of the Flush’s mind bending riddles. Albie admitted his guilt in this press statement:
“I was framed, yet I didn’t commit a crime, and the person who framed me committed no crime. What am I?”
After a few moments of murmured discussion, Albie crowed triumphantly “A painting on the wall!” and cackled as authorities wrestled him into the back of a police cruiser.
These accusations have led UCSB students and faculty to call for an immediate shut down of the Flush’s operations, which would end the illustrious existence of the once highly revered RHA news outlet. Some students, like third year Professional Writing minor Anthony Dutton, believe that the public outcry demonstrates a widespread ignorance of media protocol.
“Those people just don’t get how journalism works,” said Dutton while simultaneously maintaining his awareness of current events and defecating in a San Rafael bathroom stall. “Without so called ‘unethical’ practices like email hacking and intercollegiate espionage, informing students of the exact time and location of the annual Residence Hall Ice Cream Social would be next to impossible.”
Despite Dutton’s convictions, the Flush continues to endure the arduous process of restoring its public image, starting with the termination of RHA President and Flush Editor-In-Chief Oscar Gutierrez, who spoke to reporters in a press conference yesterday.
“I take full responsibility for the actions of the Flush, and will gladly abandon my post so that the newsletter can recover its former glory without my influence,” said a somber Gutierrez. “Maybe one day, the Flush will once again represent the pinnacle of university journalism and student involvement.”