Last week, news that University of Notre Dame linebacker Manti Te’o’s supposedly deceased girlfriend never existed rocked the sports world. After countless investigations, press releases and interviews, Te’o swears that he was unaware that his girlfriend, Lennay Kekua, was nothing more than a cyber-hoax. Still, many believe Te’o played a part in perpetuating the fraud, motivated by the prospect of publicity.
Among these self-proclaimed “Te’o Truthers” is UCSB junior computer science major Anders Ver Uden. “I’ve been pretending to have girlfriends for years,” said Ver Uden when asked about Te’o. “And this fish-eyed Mormon guy is not fooling anyone.”
Ver Uden claims that all the textbook tell-tale signs apply to Te’o’s case. “Both her first and last name sound like total gibberish, and his parents chose to believe him so they wouldn’t have to accept the fact that he couldn’t get any.”
But Ver Uden harbors no bitterness toward Te’o—on the contrary, he reveres the former Heisman candidate. “Manti is breaking barriers for guys with fake girlfriends,” he said. “This story is the biggest advance for my people since Ryan Gosling starred in Lars and the Real Girl.”
Still, the UCSB student offered Te’o some constructive advice. “Get your story straight. A fake online girlfriend is plausible, but a fake REAL girlfriend who has gone into hiding and erased her identity to spite you for not mourning her fake death enough? Now there’s documentary material. Whichever one you choose, stick to it.”
Ver Uden’s roommate, Joe Casper, verified Ver Uden’s expertise on the subject. “He’s never brought a girl home,” Casper said. “So I’ve never had to sleep on the couch. But he says he’s going out on dates so often that I forget he’s lying. Last week I even asked him how one went.”
The Gaucho Marks exclusive interview with Ver Uden was cut short when he left in a rush to allegedly meet with his significant other, Julie Um Smith, at campus point. “She’ll probably kiss me and stuff when I get there,” Ver Uden said. “That’s what girls are like.”